The maid of honor just puked.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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