she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
