i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
