I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
