Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
