so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
