roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
