I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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