grandma shit on top of the toilet
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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