My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
