.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Randomize
