dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
