you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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