sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
