you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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