Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
