Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
