no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
