My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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