Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
