im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Will you blow on my dice?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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