Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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