I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
