it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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