My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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