Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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