I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You can't special order awesome
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
