Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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