I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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