I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I party with great urgency now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
