chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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