"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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