if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
