I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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