I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You were trust falling into bushes
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
