You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
