just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
