Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
