i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
