She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
