I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
