Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
