my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
whose parrot is this?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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