Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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