U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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