How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was born a porn star she said
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
