So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
