He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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