my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
