I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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